Dread and Panic
“And now that you have won your will, you begin to see another side to the thing. Did you imagine it would bring you happiness? Is that why you wanted it so badly?”
“No” I protested quickly. “It is just that I am beginning to understand how much I am leaving behind when I go”.
(Byzantium, Stephen R. Lawhead)
How dare I leave my godchild before he starts speaking? What if my relatives can’t handle things without me? What if my parents lose the legal papers I asked them to safeguard? What if Spain kicks me out over a paper I didn’t know I needed?
My anxiety skyrocketed this afternoon. After 12 months of preparing to live abroad. My flight leaves home in 8 days and I feel sick with stress. I know that I want to make this move and I know I will choose to make it, but today my sadness and fear are clearer than my ambitions.
The sadness is hidden. I would like to evaluate it and look at the whys of it, but it is too painful right now. So it is only revealed in glimpses. Pangs of pain vaguely connected to the fact that I will go months without seeing the faces of those I love. For now the anxiety dominates.
And at times the anxiety reaches the level of dread and panic. I dread my new financial situation. I fear, rather unreasonably, that a wrong move could bankrupt me. I find myself pacing aimlessly trying to think of projects for the now that will ensure my happiness, safety, and comfort in Spain.
That is the crux of it all. I am seeking the unattainable. No man can secure future based health and wellness. People can just barely manage daily well-being. Even that is wrecked with one unexpected sickness or injury.
The best response I can think of is to stay in my path to Spain with prayer and reasonable preparation. To drink in the remaining opportunities I have to laugh and relax with my family and loved ones. To share my heart with the people I trust - in Spain and where I am now. And to remember the blessings ahead of me.
Macro Risks
I quit my hospital job, terminated my apartment lease, and started looking for someone to buy my car. I identified the missing documents for my Spain visa petition. It felt like a daydream in the middle of a terrible work day. But I was 17 months into forming this plan, and 11 months into making the life changes to pursue it.
Before the hospital job, I was a live-in mentor to high school seniors. The 2020-2021 school year was the height of Covid and the circumstances were horrendous. My mental health vanished, and I was sprinting toward depressed self-sabotage or an emotionless stone-hearted existence. I finished the school year, helped with summer programming, and left the school behind me.
I took an awesome trip to Spain. Exploring the small towns and woods for 30 days and living 40 days in Madrid. I hiked a substantial chunk of the Camino Primitivo. I ate octopus. I slept in bunkhouses. I studied under spiritual mentors. I looked for God. I fished off the coast of Spain. 60 days into the journey, I started a dating relationship that would turn into a powerful love. When I left the country to return to Pennsylvania, I started preparing to work in and reside in Spain. I took a Pennsylvania hospital job for 6 months to pay the bills while I found a job offer in the public schools of Spain. The consulate of Spain is processing my work visa as I write this article. I made a security deposit on an apartment rental in Spain and I intend to move in next month.
Some key factors made my radical changes possible. I had perspective. I sensed that obeying God in this time of my life included changing my hometown and changing my work hours so that I could attempt to find social health. I had womb-to-tomb supporters. My family resisted my plans to change countries, but I knew they would do whatever I needed to keep me from homelessness. I had resources. I had spent 4 years earning the best salary of my life. I had experience. I had been to Spain 3 times before I decided to move there.
Sometimes micro changes are not enough. Sometimes we must take great risks. It may be to follow specific guidance from God. It may be to reverse an unhealthy course. It may be just the opportunity to pursue something excellent. When the time comes to act, we must gather our courage and jump.
How We Accidentally Became World Travelers
Don’t leave the country. Don’t move outside the state. And if you can help it, don’t drive out of town because you’re too young and you might get hurt. These were the spoken and unspoken rules of my childhood regarding distance. An adventurous life was not looking likely for any of us. We were being slowly prepared for a life close to home. A quiet but consistent desire to leave the bubble of familiarity glistened in my heart.
The shift started with a family trip to Europe. My Mom is the daughter of a decorated Air Force veteran and she spent a portion of her young life in Europe while he served. She decided the three kids should see Europe before we left home and we took a whirlwind tour of 4 countries. We were 17, 15, and 13. My dad drove us everywhere while the kids goofed around crammed in the back seat and my mom helped him plan the stops. When I graduated college my parents saw another chance for the same trip. This time we all convinced my Mom we should stay in less places and take them in the right way - with stillness. Among other spectacular experiences, we spent 4 days in the Swiss Alps. We were 23, 21, and 19.
On this second trip, which occurred in 2014, I convinced my parents that I should visit Spain since I had been studying Spanish with a passion for 6 years. My dad and I hopped over to Spain in place of the 4 extra days my mom and siblings spent in Germany. This trip set my heart for independent travel. My readiness occurred providentially, trailing after a message from God my mom received during my college years - That she must “Release Robbie to me for all my intents and purposes”.
God had bigger trips planned for my family. Between 2014 and 2021 my brother spent 2 years working in Alaska and my sister spent a month volunteer teaching in China. I bounced back and forth between jobs in Pennsylvania and increasingly long trips to Spain. On my most recent trip to Spain I spent 10 days backpacking, 20 days in a small town, and 30 days in Madrid. My host for Madrid had connected with me through church friends and she had a daughter exactly my age. By the time I left Spain I had realized I wanted to date her and Jeni and I cautiously started a relationship.
Jeni is a resident of Spain but a citizen of Honduras. I am writing this piece in an open air portion of a beautiful old home in Honduras, meeting her siblings and grandparents. I am scheduled to fly home to Pennsylvania tomorrow and on Monday I make my second attempt at petitioning a student visa for a year long internship in Madrid, Spain. My brother left our home town 10 days ago for a year long position in Thailand. His story also involves an intriguing combination of God’s work, romance, and a desire to see beyond the nest.
Somewhere in the middle of these trips, I realized my family had experienced a drastic change. My parents had slowly stopped opposing the childrens’ dreams of travel. They ensured our timely arrivals to the airports and celebrated our safe returns. They pray for blessing as we live and serve in other countries and for the first time we are all seriously considering celebrating Christmas in a foreign country. I am gently preparing my family for a wedding abroad as well. We accidentally started traveling the world.
Micro Risks
A habit of wise risk taking is one of the most important pieces of a healthy life. We must take tiny risks and large risks on a regular basis if we are going to enjoy life’s fullness. Today I am pondering the tiny risks and the benefits they bring us. I think the term micro risks describes them well.
Three days ago I eyed up the food businesses isolated from my hotel by two highway ramps and a bridge. I was hungry and the gas station we shared a parking lot with did not have any substantive options that appealed to me. I mulled the options over in my head. I remembered it was near 100 degrees Fahrenheit. I remembered driving past a man quite out of touch with reality on the side of that highway. I remembered my passion for new experiences. So I walked the ramps, tiptoed past the man cursing to himself about being willing to mess somebody up, and opened the door to a strange burger shop called Spangles. I had a tasty and unique version of a cheesesteak and some of the best sweet tea I ever tasted.
A ways back I went to visit some family in Oregon. I had access to a car, an excess of time, and some energy kicking around inside of me. I found out I was 40 minutes from Silver Springs State Park. I thought about the nervousness of borrowing a car from my relatives, the small fear I might get lost in the woods, and the twinge of guilt for taking time to myself. None of them outweighed the opportunity. I picked a day, took a short break from the family get together, and found what became one of my favorite places. With some simple, almost tourist level, hiking I enjoyed 7 unique waterfalls in a peaceful afternoon.
Little risks like these help us find a life that is full of wonder and new experiences. They keep us from hum drum that can arise when we are overly ruled by a schedule and a routine. These micro risks also get us ready for larger risks in our lives, risks that are just as important for living well. I am glad I developed a habit of taking tiny risks and I want to continue this pattern throughout my life.
Fear
I recently caught myself worrying - worrying a lot. And I stopped to try and figure out what was going on in my mind. I was not in immediate danger. The situations I was worried about would have me in low amounts of danger. I was not enjoying the present at all because I was focused on these worries. I saw two main components to my fear - I was trying to ensure I would experience pleasure at all times in my future and that I would continually avoid displeasure.
When I forget the essence of life, this dual focus seems very reasonable. Finding pleasure is one of the highest humanistic aims. Experiencing pleasure brings us excitement, motivation, contentedness, and rest. Pleasure draws us in with promise. The avoidance of displeasure is crucial as well. Displeasure can take many forms including anxiousness and loneliness. It drains us of energy and makes us wish our situation was different.
But the essence of life is life with God. This life does not prioritize the goals of finding pleasure and avoiding displeasure. I am free to pursue both goals as I live, but I have a much more exciting path that I am led along. My priority is living in God’s life and this life is complicated, thrilling and the opposite of self-absorbed.
As I am led away from self-absorbed experiences, I experience less and less fear. My attempts to find pleasure and avoid displeasure are shifted to an appropriate secondary priority. I have more freedom and I have less mental distress.
Skills Won’t Do
Every time I evaluate my job performance, I pretend the only thing in question is my level of skill. I tell myself that I would be perfect at my job if I could only master the skills required for the role. This has led me to excessive efforts to perfect tasks and duties. It has made me a super good employee and it left positive reputations at each place I worked, but this was an overly simplistic view of how success at work occurs.
My mindset shifted on a workday not too long ago. I was scrambling to do two employees’ worth of tasks and feeling like a failure. My coworker had volunteered to handle an off-site responsibility but was taking longer than appropriate to return. A quiet anger hummed in my chest because the decision to dawdle off-site was becoming a pattern when we worked together. My internal performance evaluation was skewed because I was holding myself accountable for both of our duties.
Team communication is a massive component of being successful at work. People have been telling me this for years, and I naturally excel at 75% of this skillset. The struggle area for me is offensive or upsetting communication. During the last 3 years I have been forced to tiptoe my way into this final realm of team communication.
Two jobs back I was doing work that thrilled me, but I worked myself to the point of depression. My first thoughts in the morning were curse words about waking up for another day of grinding. I made mistakes at work and hardly cared enough to address them. I was nearly at the point of refusing to show up for my shifts. Fortunately, I had a spectacular boss who gave me opportunities for candid discussions. I had to admit things that felt embarrassing to me - that I was overworked, that I had lost my zeal, that I was struggling to even show up every day.
Another recent job was intentionally temporary. I felt a little more free to share my experiences. I started to realize that the people above us were overwhelming the people at my level with work. It allowed more income for the company but it seemed like the only way to slow the flood of work was for workers at my level to push back against the excessive workloads. I am only tip toeing in this skill, but I began to speak up to my direct supervisors about excessive workloads. It was easy to share because these people were more peers than people making the workload decisions. They practiced speaking up to the people directly above them and to some degree our voices were heard. I strongly remember an unusual decision during my time at this workplace - I shared my anger about a team decision directly with a supervisor two roles above me. This is a simple skill for many, but for me I could barely convince myself to get the words out of my mouth.
It is a cliche to say job skills are not the main criteria for a good employee, but I have been slowly learning this proverb from everyday experience. Team communication is crucial for excelling at work. Most of this is the positive back and forth communication between teammates or between workers and supervisors. But communication that offends or upsets is also crucial to success at work. I am easing my way into using this critical skill. It is a frightening, necessary journey.
Less Worried
For years I have been seeking a healthier response to fear. It is not a natural change for me. Jesus says that the birds have food without gathering and I ask myself “What about the bird I saw being eaten by ants?” I tell myself that God will bless me, but I mentally replay those stories where someone finally started their life calling and was found dead the next morning. I cannot seem to eclipse my fear with promises of provision. In part because really really unpleasant things happen in the midst of God’s provision.
Working definition: anxiety is non-contentedness caused by uncertainty about future outcomes. We are disturbed as we wait for results we cannot predict because we know they might not be favorable. I have lost an immense amount of happiness to the fear of the future and the distracted thinking that takes me mentally far away from the goodness of the present. Sometimes in the middle of beautiful time with family or part-way through a favorite hobby, my brain twitches and I lose my contentedness to a barrage of nagging worries.
I do not respond to anxiety with wisdom. It is as if I place possible future outcomes under a microscope and examine the unpleasant ones obsessively. This was previously beneficial for my performance at work and school because I identified all the safeguards I would need to ensure I succeeded. Unfortunately, my post-teenage energy is not sufficient to oppose all the possible negative outcomes of my adult circumstances. Now there are so many possible outcomes in my day and even hour, that I can only pay attention to a portion of them.
I found a quick fix and I think it connects to a more holistic resolution. I realized I can momentarily oppose anxiety by being grateful. I place previously lived pleasant experiences under my mental microscope and focus on them. I tell myself that I have been blessed with so many pleasant experiences that I would be a blessed man even if I died today. I try to note my life in Christ as well and remind myself that this blessing outweighs any evil I may encounter. My developing habit is helpful and I think it is part of a larger habit I need to practice: viewing God as an intimately involved, close-at-hand, and caring Father. This Father trust is my best understanding of the ideal response to anxiety in our lives.
Sameness
I moved into a new apartment. My 4th residence in 10 months. All for good reasons, things I could never regret stretching to reach. But in this 4th place, I felt an unexpected desire for sameness. And it entered my soul from my roomate’s morning routine.
I was at the living room table, doing a devo and getting ready to do some homework. I was fresh off a move from a townhouse stay with a family friend. Shortly returned from an adventure in Spain. Inconsistency was a staple in my experience diet. I saw my roommate walk into the living room that day. He made himself a couple eggs, he took his homemade lunch out of the fridge, and he buttoned up his work shirt. He had a sameness to his lifestyle that made me jealous.
I will always live by the variety for life-spice motto. I long for days with controlled surprises and weeks that are unformed until they happen. In the midst of that lifestyle I have decided I want some routine in my life. Thanks Roomie Matt :-)
The lunch-sight enlightenment magnified a desire and cemented my intentions for some routines I had newly started. One that was in motion already was my gratefulness to God morning reflection. I try to sleepily mutter four or five specific thank yous to God as soon as I stand up out of bed. It’s sappier and happier than a previous habit I had practiced - cursing to myself and wishing I was not awake. The second already formed routine was more practical but super helpful - every work day I make two meat and cheese sandwiches and throw them in my workbag with some cookies and some chocolate.
Since moving to my newest apartment I added a few more routines. I walk the pathway around our complex most days of the week. Sometimes I invite a roomie, sometimes I think and pray. I love it. And it’s literally right outside my door. Secondly, I started doing pullups every other day. It’s because I have childhood memories of hanging from a bar dejectedly while my gym teacher told me how important it is to be able to do a pullup, and because I have a weakened back I want to attend to, and because I want to be strong. I love my new routines. They bring a peace to my life and a rhythm. Even the knowledge of these routines existing mellows me out and gives me fresh energy. I am so glad I added some sameness to my life and decided to carve out these patterns. I think my life has changed because of them and I am excited to keep practicing the routine rhythm.
EChO
EChO (Endurance, Character, Hope)
Years back I wrote this off as over-simplified. Sure, we gain hope when we suffer; but to list a chain of production from suffering to hope seemed too perfect. I forged ahead with my emptier philosophy of life. But from the vantage point of 31 years lived, This short piece of the text has become one of my most cherished writings.
The opening words of this claim force us back to the statement preceding it: “we rejoice in hope of the glory of God”. The context is hope. A hope described in a way that makes me think of future victory when my God defeats evil in a new and final way. The word glory also makes me think of power and goodness. I take comfort during life’s stressors, that my God is strong and righteous.
The thrust of the next thought is jarring: “We rejoice in our sufferings”. How can that happen? Feeling delight in experiencing pain sounds like a sick way of life. Even rejoicing while suffering seems borderline ridiculous. A great hope is required for this rejoicing to be appropriate. A hope that will be identified at the end of the thought.
Next we see the meta chain the ancient author lays out for us. I do not think it is intended to describe every circumstance every time, I do think it lays out a powerful reality. When we suffer, we gain the ability to endure. In enduring, we build character we never knew before. By our new character we gain hope.
I love the closing piece. The hope we gain will not embarrass us. It will not let us down once we finally decide it can hold us up. And we know this because God’s love is flowing through our beings by the Holy Spirit who we received.
ESV from Romans 5
“...we rejoice in hope of the glory of God. Not only that, but we rejoice in our sufferings, knowing that suffering produces endurance, and endurance produces character, and character produces hope, and hope does not put us to shame, because God’s love has been poured into our hearts through the Holy Spirit who has been given to us”
where is hope?
I claimed that hope did not exist
“It’s folly for the weak”
you took my hand and closed my mouth
you would not let me speak
you showed me flowers blooming
I told you they would fade
you spoke of grass the greenest and
I scoffed “It will not stay”
“None of these can hold my hope
No, everything will die!”
my comment brought your mouth a frown
a tear drop stained your eye
silence built between our hearts
until you whispered
of human souls, dark and vast
of love without an end
and a God that came and suffered
Fewer Dragons
Dragons in need of slaying are scarcer than one might think.
Most of them are really just bothersome lizards
whispered into fire-nostriled beasts,
multiplied in size by man’s self centered nature,
given wings by a strange belief that things should go the way one plans for them to go,
or made to seem as tyrants by some other foolish way of our kind.
a lowly heart
crippled until I crawl to You
did You know that I wouldn’t come standing?
whispering my frustration
after “glorious” “independence”
I am not convinced that You want to heal me of this
but I do believe that You want to use me,
for something good.
Busily Bustling
busily bustling will bring us to boredom
constantly continuing what must be accomplished
scared to cease successful stepping
fearing failure from choice to refrain
does abstaining from advancing always deserve admonishment?
dreaming as we drudge dizzily through disheartening days
forever favoring full schedules that fake furthering progress
being busy helps us believe we are behaving productively